The Second Eclectic

Technology changes how we relate to God and each other

Man Claims to be God, Indicted

Chicago (Dissociated Press Newswire)--In a nearly unheard-of move today, the Supreme Court revealed late today that Jesus, the self-proclaimed "Son of God," was indicted on charges of obstruction of justice. This revelation came shortly after charges were filed against the man, who some are calling the savior of the world. Upon hearing the news, early predictions from legal analysts agree that the courtroom drama will likely occur with the defendant, Jesus, in absentia. He has reportedly escaped crowds threatening to kill him before.

In all likelihood however, even if Jesus of Nazareth were to take the witness stand in his own defense, he would speak in riddles and unintelligible stories. Many fail to make heads or tails of much of his speeches.

Furthermore, he has been quoted as saying, “I am not authorized by any authority, but answer only to myself. For if you had known who I am, you would know why I do this.” Yeah, unintelligible. This sort of circular reasoning is maddening for many experts in the law. It reflects the quite modern mindset that all things are relative to personal preferences. Jesus, it seems, is no exception.

Jesus was relatively unknown until a few years ago. He grew up in a small town outside of another small town, in the middle of nowhere really. His criminal indictment certainly reinforces the stereotype that “nothing good comes from Galilee.” He made his way through some other small towns and finally into Jerusalem, and early on was seen cavorting with another lunatic, John the Baptist. Baptist, you will remember, was later beheaded by the governor. There are reports that Baptist and Nazareth had familial connections, however Nazareth’s birth and lineage are obscure by some experts’ estimates, so the connections remain tenuous, controversial, and conspiratorial in nature.

The charge of obstruction of justice has gained popularity in recent years. Martha Stewart, who also has omni-like tendencies and a reported “god complex,” was imprisoned for about a year for this same type of criminal activity.

However, Nazareth’s case is a bit more complicated. This indictment is a single count; no other charges could be substantiated. This seems to simplify things legally, but the nuances of this single count make it more difficult. In a conversation with the current provincial governor following this indictment, he said, “I see no reason to charge him. I find no fault in him. I wash my hands of the whole ordeal.”

In fact, this case is not one that actually falls within the present judiciary. Rather, the Supreme Court in this case refers to that of God himself—the Almighty Judge. As is well known, God is a regular supporter and dispenser of justice throughout his kingdom. He is faced, now, with determining how to deal with someone trying to subvert that justice.

This obstruction charge refers specifically to Jesus’ stated intentions to die for the injustices of the world and thereby cancel the debts incurred by others, whom God hereto has been justly judging for their wrongs. Jesus allegedly seeks to remove the burden of guilt from these people so that they are no longer obligated to answer to God for their crimes.

This is unheard of. No man has attempted to bear the punishment that another justly deserves. No man in history has tried to set a criminal free by doing the time in his place. The justice system is set up to punish the guilty for their crimes and to remove them from society in order to prevent ongoing criminal activity. However, this Jesus, indicted today, seeks to do just that. This is one legal battle that people will be talking about for years to come; it is a case which could establish a completely new legal precedent

This case could change everything.

John Revelation on Patmos, Dr. Luke in Ephesus, Matthew Tackser is Jerusalem, John Mark in Rome contributed to this article.